Shit Happens Am I Right?

If life had a bio on instagram it would probably just be “shit happens”. I mean is that not accurate? Because I can tell you from my own personal experience shit definitely does happen. I mean two and a half weeks ago I was dating this guy that, honestly, I loved with my whole entire heart and actually would have considered marrying, a couple months ago I was a student at OU, and honestly this whole past semester I finally felt like I had my shit together; I was happy. Well now all of that is a joke. That guy that I was quite sincerely head over heels for is no where to be found, and quite frankly I don’t think he gives a flying fu*k about me anymore, I’m transferring out of OU back home, and I have no fu*king clue what is happening with my life. It’s a dumpster fire to say the least. So now I’m here and it is 1:48 AM in the morning and I can’t help but wonder how the fu*k am I supposed to make the right decisions, because every decision I’ve made so far has turned to complete shit; I’m pretty damn miserable if I’m going to be completely transparent.

But this isn’t a pity party, I promise. In all honesty I’m not sure what this is? Helpful thoughts and tips to stay functional when your literal entire world is crumbling around you? We’ll go with that. But yeah, to get on with my point, I’ve been through a lot of shit in life, just like every other person in life, and despite all of the things that have happened that I’ve thought, “I’m not sure I’ll make it through this”, I’ve always come out the other end of the rather unpleasant, horrendous, dark, and fu*king depressing tunnel alive and well; maybe a little worse for wear, but definitely more wise. 

So here’s the thing: whenever we get in these spots in life I think it’s our tendency to blame the unfortunate events that happen on ourselves, and we shouldn’t (not always at least, I mean sometimes you really do fu*k up, but thats another story). What I’m saying is that a lot of times shitty stuff happens just because we were at the wrong place at the wrong time and because other people are unpredictable, just like you or me, and life really just isn’t fair. So in the midst of all the moving parts and widgets of life that contribute to everything that happens in our life, we have to remember that just because everything seems like its literally burning to the ground, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us or that we’re cursed or that we just need to give up and fall into a Tito’s induced coma so that maybe when we wake up everything will be fine. It means that right now, when everything is shit, it is time for us to take control of ourselves, take a deep breathe, and sprint down that dark tunnel until we get to the other end. And if we can do that, the person that comes out of the tunnel sure as hell wont be the same person that entered it; we’ll be stronger, more resilient, and prepared for whatever the hell life throws at us next. 

It’s not easy, especially in these moments, because it is honestly a lot easier to fall into sadness, depression, or miserableness (thats not a word but its fine, you catch my drift) than to be happy and content. But even if we aren’t happy right now the key is to try to get there, we can’t let ourselves be content just marinating in a mix of remorse, regret, and resentment. And I won’t lie, that takes a lot of work and strength, because if being happy was as easy as flipping a switch the world would probably be a hell of a lot better of a place to exist. 

Anyways, I’ve probably ranted enough at this point for you to get my point, but all I’m saying is that even when everything seems empty, broken, and fu*ked up, know that it will not be like that forever and it’s probably not all your fault, because if you’ve made it this far in life chances are that you’re going to keep making it. This dark time is just a season to be short lived, and eventually a new season will come and everything WILL be alright, we just have to be pursuing it to the best of our ability, instead of sitting down and staying in the place that we are at. I guaran-damn-tee you that everything wont suddenly or magically just be okay one day, but the good news is that we can work and succeed at making everything okay, so that one day we can look back on when everything absolutely sucked and realize that we made it and that we are now an improved person for making it. 

- C.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

How do you convince someone that they are entirely enough?

I remember my first semester at OU, I was talking to this guy, and he was great. But if you know anything about me, you know that I rarely actually have my life together and I have a tendency to be self-destructive (my friend Stephen can confirm this observation). Well, this guy, he was so innocent, so kind, and very very polished. I remember thinking to myself, and trying to voice it aloud, that “I just wasn’t good enough”, “I’m just too messy.” This of course, as I identified later, was just plain old insecurity rising from the depths of my mind to try and snuff out any sparks of happiness I might be starting to feel. At the end of the day, ‘the guy’ and I didn’t work out and, yes, I let my insecurities fu*k up the whole thing (typical Chloe am I right?), though it turned out it was for the best. As unfortunate as the situation was, however, I learned a valuable lesson: if I let my insecurities dictate what decisions I make and how I interact with people, I will never truly be happy with the life I am living.

All that to say, I now find myself on the other side of the equation; loving someone who knows their short-comings and dwells on them.

So, back to my question, how do you convince them they’re enough? I really don’t know if it’s possible, as dismal as that sounds. Because I know for myself, no matter how many times my friends and loved ones poured affirmation and encouragement into me, I heard what they said, but I never truly believed them.

What I wish this person, this person I love so much, could understand is that yes, I see their mess. Yes, I know they aren’t perfect and that their life isn’t ideal. But, I love them anyways. Because despite the ‘bad’, there is an overwhelming amount of good. There is kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, resilience, ambition, patience, courage, selflessness, and compassion. And aren’t those attributes worth so much more than the few scars and bruises on an otherwise brilliant and beautiful character?

The thing about love is that, yes sometimes it is a feeling, but it is also a choice. Because, as I’m sure everyone knows, it is never easy to love someone. But, when you truly do love them, you continue loving them despite their set-backs and fu*k-ups. Because in all honesty, I don’t need the world on a silver platter, the fact that they love me too is entirely enough. In fact, it’s more than enough. It’s not a burden to love them and to know them, although it may be easier to love at certain times more than others. On the contrary it is a true gift.

(And let me clarify, when you love someone it doesn’t always necessitate romance. When you say “I love you” to a significant other it doesn’t always mean “we’re going to be together forever and I’m already planning our wedding, now let me kiss you until our lips bleed and we can f*ck until the sun rises.” Yes, the way I love my boyfriend is differently nuanced than the way I love my friends, but there is significant overlap and similarity)

So, how do you convince someone they are enough? Well, you can’t. But, you can continue to love them, to run after them when they start to pull away and remind them that yes, “I love you, all of you, the good the bad and the ugly. You are perfectly enough.”

- C.

Decisions, Decisions...

In the Great Gatsby there is a line regarding personality, particularly regarding Gatsby's personality. The Narrator, Nick Carraway, alludes to the fact that personality might very well be nothing but a series of successful gestures, successful I think meaning unbroken in this sense. Although, within the context of the book Nick may be commentating on Gatsby's singular and driving purpose behind all of his actions, I think an interesting comment on personality in and of itself could be made. This quote makes me wonder how much our decisions -- the things we do -- actually influence and determine our personality -- who we are.

In the past year and a half of my life I have made decisions that most would characterize as uncharacteristic. My question then is, does that mean that I have inherently changed as a person, or did I simply act outside the bounds of my normal self? None of my core values or philosophies have seemed to change, I still have the same sarcastic and self depreciating sense of humor, I still enjoy the same things I have always enjoyed, I still maintain the same aspirations and work ethic, so what then has changed? I would suppose that the onlooker might venture to say, in a rather cliché manner, that I must just be more "jaded". 

The decisions I have made have led me to experiences and lessons that I very well might have never gleaned had it not been for those very uncharacteristic decisions. These experiences and lessons in turn do affect my attitude towards daily interaction and my understanding of the community and entire world around me. Part of life is being surrounded by people who have either shared experiences with you and can relate, or being analyzed by those who lack the experiences you have been exposed to and either judge you for your choices and opinions or look on in silent misunderstanding and neutrality, and sometimes even with pathetic sympathy. So maybe it is not the fact that I have actually changed, I have only evolved. It's like a great tree that starts as a tiny sapling. The sapling was just as much of a tree as the fully mature tree, but it was also obviously different in some respects. 

I am still me, regardless of my personal decisions. If I want to sleep with someone, it doesn't change the fact that I am still me. If I want to drink, I do not all of a sudden become someone new entirely. I feel like it is hard for people to separate you from your decisions, and overtime you become your decisions in other people's minds. If you f*ck up, all of a sudden you are categorized as a f*ck up. "You've changed" people will say, but my response is "so what?". What do you care that I am choosing to live my life how I want to, and who are you to determine whether that is good or bad. And this shallow, narrow-minded, and judgmental way of thinking all stems from immaturity and naivety. I've discovered that the people I want to surround myself with, the people I consider my friends, are those who love me and treat me the same regardless of my decisions; the people who don't tip-toe cautiously around me, because "who knows what she'll do next". I want the people in my life who can accept who I have grown to be, and love her, instead of wishing for a version of me from a long time ago. I want the people in my life who, if they disagree with my decisions, can tell me honestly, but if I choose my own way, think of me no less. I want the people in my life who can see me for just that, me, not my decisions, my f*ck ups, my moments of weakness, my struggles, or my brokenness. I want the people in my life who don't talk underhandedly about me when my back is turned, under the facade of concern and worry. My real friends are few and far between, but my friends I know accept me for me. 
 

Real Life Reality TV

     I am convinced that life is a never-ending, multi-million seasoned reality television show. And, it's not the glamorous MTV "welcome to my crib" type of reality TV; no, it's more like the trashy "I'm so smashed let my throw my one hundred dollar glass of chardonnay in your face and flip the table because you slept with my husband" type of reality TV.

     The real question is: do we secretly relish in the the drama and actually help create all of our live's less than ideal moments, or is everything just a happen chance shit show?

    The answer is: I have no f***ing clue. 

     In regards to evidence, there are some occurrences in support of either hypothesis.

    One piece of evidence in support of the fact that we make drama for ourselves is gossip. People gossip all of the time. It's us actively getting out our tools, digging around, pulling up, dusting off, and, with sly grins on our faces, presenting all kinds of tumultuous drama to everyone else around us. Why? I think it is because when we get bored with our own lives, when we are lacking the adrenaline and anxiety that personal drama produces, we seek out other people's issues and make them our own, and proceed to talk shit left and right. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm being honest, as much as I preach the fact that I detest drama, I also enjoy it. It gives me something to stew over, something to occupy my thoughtless moments when I have nothing better to do. It's a form of entertainment. And it's very easy to become addicted to being entertained, so it would make sense that we would actively, and even subconsciously constantly search for our next fix of entertainment; in this case, drama. 

     On the other side of the spectrum, the evidence also suggests that everything is really just a series of unfortunate events. Take me for example: my family is a complete and utter mess (I mean, whose isn't really). But I certainly didn't come out of the womb asking to not grow up with two present parents, and end up living with my grandparents for a short bit, and eventually with my aunt. And I certainly didn't plan on the circus that such a divided and dysfunctional  family would cause (do NOT even get me started about what holidays look like for me). But please, don't read that brief explanation of my familial life as a pity-party, or complaint, because, in all honesty, I would not have it any other way. I have so many people that love me and it could be a million times worse. The point is that sometimes life deals us unpredictable, undesirable, and entirely unfair cards, but we make the most it and wade through the cess pool of drama that ensues.

  So again: do we make our own drama, or does it just sucker-punch us at any given moment leaving us breathless, dazed, and confused? Who the hell knows, but what I do know is that life is filled with conflict and we can choose to encourage it, avoid it, or neutralize it. My advice? Don't be the person who is constantly ready to throw a punch and flip a table, but also don't be the person who is so morbidly afraid of healthy conflict that you can only talk shit behind people's back. Be the person who can look life's drama in the face, hold on to your glass of chardonnay, count to ten, and avoid those million dollar reality TV moments. Because although those moments of immense drama are entertaining and make for relatively good stories, they often come to a disastrous end.

Cheers

- C.

Well, That's Easier Said Than Done...

I used to be a romantic. I'll admit that more recently I have given way to cynicism as opposed to romanticism, but I've been reading Keats as of late and he has me swooning. Regardless, I've been contemplating love recently. And all the conclusions I've come to are honestly disappointing. 

In the past few months I've had a string of failed attempts at serious relationships, with a few casual flirtations in between, and the common theme in all of them is a lack of commitment. Don't get me wrong, commitment scares the ever living hell out of me, but simultaneously the thought of having that one other person, that is just that, your person, is appealing. However the majority of guys in my age bracket are more interested in one night stands than wedding bands.  

This idea of one night stands brings me to my first thought on love. Love isn't selfish. Love is when you want to be with the person because they are an anomaly in and of themselves, they are them, and you are happy just being with them, knowing them, holding them. But whats all the more common is the selfish version of lust that stems from self gratification. You want the other person because they can give you something, and once that thing is given and received, they are no longer of use. Emotions are disregarded, and the bottom line is that the value of that person is depreciated. But, I don't speak from a place of judgement on the matter. I'm just as guilty of this sad excuse for human affection as the next person. Except it doesn't stem from a particular need for "getting laid", paralyzing commitment issues, or doing it just for the fun of it. It's an attention thing, that stems from a broken heart. 

I know that is probably the grossest cliché there can be, but theres a reason clichés exist; they are pretty damn accurate. I won't delve into the details of my own broken heart, but if you inspect the underlying reasons why most people are so unbelievably and undeniably helpless when it comes to love is because of a strong sense of dissatisfaction which often proceeds disappointment and hurt. Maybe you got close to loving someone or at least having some deep connection, but things went south and well, everything turned into a dumpster fire. So, cynicism sneaks in and makes it home burrowed deep in your heart and suddenly the unaddressed sadness begins facading as a sense of aloofness and insincerity. Both of those sly and misleading characteristics lead to a sense of prolonged emptiness, that can be filled momentarily by searching for short term satisfaction, but that is really just like putting a band aid over a bullet hole. For me, the short term satisfaction is the attention thats goes alongside these one night stand type of relationships. That doesn't necessitate that you sleep with the person, it's more along the lines of talking for a few weeks to a few different people, receiving compliments, getting butterflies when you see they responded to your text or snapchat, and looking forward to the possibility of seeing them again. It gives a sense of hopefulness. But the relationship is defined by just the slightest amount of indifference and disregard that it will never become anything serious. And believe me, both parties are very aware of it. So, when one or both people find something newer, better, fresher, the short flirtationship teeters off slowly and it's as if nothing ever happened. The attention stops being given and the cycle begins again because of this desperate need to have something, anything filling that tiny bullet hole to keep it from bleeding out. 

Now I know I've ranted for far too long about this, and at this point is usually were you give solution to the problem raised, but that fact is that I have no where near a solid idea as to the blanket solution to this problem. I've considered celibacy, joining some secluded nunnery in the Alps, becoming a hermit, and maybe even just going into a coma, but all of these options (regardless of the practicality of them) have one thing in common: running away from the issue at hand, not addressing it. But I've also considered that maybe it's as straightforward as learning to set aside the hurt as a thing of the past, and be content with aloneness, but of course that is easier said than done. Love in general is easier said than done.