In the Great Gatsby there is a line regarding personality, particularly regarding Gatsby's personality. The Narrator, Nick Carraway, alludes to the fact that personality might very well be nothing but a series of successful gestures, successful I think meaning unbroken in this sense. Although, within the context of the book Nick may be commentating on Gatsby's singular and driving purpose behind all of his actions, I think an interesting comment on personality in and of itself could be made. This quote makes me wonder how much our decisions -- the things we do -- actually influence and determine our personality -- who we are.
In the past year and a half of my life I have made decisions that most would characterize as uncharacteristic. My question then is, does that mean that I have inherently changed as a person, or did I simply act outside the bounds of my normal self? None of my core values or philosophies have seemed to change, I still have the same sarcastic and self depreciating sense of humor, I still enjoy the same things I have always enjoyed, I still maintain the same aspirations and work ethic, so what then has changed? I would suppose that the onlooker might venture to say, in a rather cliché manner, that I must just be more "jaded".
The decisions I have made have led me to experiences and lessons that I very well might have never gleaned had it not been for those very uncharacteristic decisions. These experiences and lessons in turn do affect my attitude towards daily interaction and my understanding of the community and entire world around me. Part of life is being surrounded by people who have either shared experiences with you and can relate, or being analyzed by those who lack the experiences you have been exposed to and either judge you for your choices and opinions or look on in silent misunderstanding and neutrality, and sometimes even with pathetic sympathy. So maybe it is not the fact that I have actually changed, I have only evolved. It's like a great tree that starts as a tiny sapling. The sapling was just as much of a tree as the fully mature tree, but it was also obviously different in some respects.
I am still me, regardless of my personal decisions. If I want to sleep with someone, it doesn't change the fact that I am still me. If I want to drink, I do not all of a sudden become someone new entirely. I feel like it is hard for people to separate you from your decisions, and overtime you become your decisions in other people's minds. If you f*ck up, all of a sudden you are categorized as a f*ck up. "You've changed" people will say, but my response is "so what?". What do you care that I am choosing to live my life how I want to, and who are you to determine whether that is good or bad. And this shallow, narrow-minded, and judgmental way of thinking all stems from immaturity and naivety. I've discovered that the people I want to surround myself with, the people I consider my friends, are those who love me and treat me the same regardless of my decisions; the people who don't tip-toe cautiously around me, because "who knows what she'll do next". I want the people in my life who can accept who I have grown to be, and love her, instead of wishing for a version of me from a long time ago. I want the people in my life who, if they disagree with my decisions, can tell me honestly, but if I choose my own way, think of me no less. I want the people in my life who can see me for just that, me, not my decisions, my f*ck ups, my moments of weakness, my struggles, or my brokenness. I want the people in my life who don't talk underhandedly about me when my back is turned, under the facade of concern and worry. My real friends are few and far between, but my friends I know accept me for me.