How do you convince someone that they are entirely enough?
I remember my first semester at OU, I was talking to this guy, and he was great. But if you know anything about me, you know that I rarely actually have my life together and I have a tendency to be self-destructive (my friend Stephen can confirm this observation). Well, this guy, he was so innocent, so kind, and very very polished. I remember thinking to myself, and trying to voice it aloud, that “I just wasn’t good enough”, “I’m just too messy.” This of course, as I identified later, was just plain old insecurity rising from the depths of my mind to try and snuff out any sparks of happiness I might be starting to feel. At the end of the day, ‘the guy’ and I didn’t work out and, yes, I let my insecurities fu*k up the whole thing (typical Chloe am I right?), though it turned out it was for the best. As unfortunate as the situation was, however, I learned a valuable lesson: if I let my insecurities dictate what decisions I make and how I interact with people, I will never truly be happy with the life I am living.
All that to say, I now find myself on the other side of the equation; loving someone who knows their short-comings and dwells on them.
So, back to my question, how do you convince them they’re enough? I really don’t know if it’s possible, as dismal as that sounds. Because I know for myself, no matter how many times my friends and loved ones poured affirmation and encouragement into me, I heard what they said, but I never truly believed them.
What I wish this person, this person I love so much, could understand is that yes, I see their mess. Yes, I know they aren’t perfect and that their life isn’t ideal. But, I love them anyways. Because despite the ‘bad’, there is an overwhelming amount of good. There is kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, resilience, ambition, patience, courage, selflessness, and compassion. And aren’t those attributes worth so much more than the few scars and bruises on an otherwise brilliant and beautiful character?
The thing about love is that, yes sometimes it is a feeling, but it is also a choice. Because, as I’m sure everyone knows, it is never easy to love someone. But, when you truly do love them, you continue loving them despite their set-backs and fu*k-ups. Because in all honesty, I don’t need the world on a silver platter, the fact that they love me too is entirely enough. In fact, it’s more than enough. It’s not a burden to love them and to know them, although it may be easier to love at certain times more than others. On the contrary it is a true gift.
(And let me clarify, when you love someone it doesn’t always necessitate romance. When you say “I love you” to a significant other it doesn’t always mean “we’re going to be together forever and I’m already planning our wedding, now let me kiss you until our lips bleed and we can f*ck until the sun rises.” Yes, the way I love my boyfriend is differently nuanced than the way I love my friends, but there is significant overlap and similarity)
So, how do you convince someone they are enough? Well, you can’t. But, you can continue to love them, to run after them when they start to pull away and remind them that yes, “I love you, all of you, the good the bad and the ugly. You are perfectly enough.”
- C.